Saturday, March 16, 2013


Sandy: What about a rhino?
Dan: What about a rhino!
Seth: No, a beaver--
Dan: No, rhino.
Emily: You can poach them for their horns!
Seth: you can poach anything!
Emily: No, that's why they're so aggressive.
Seth: kidding? so are beavers!
Emily: I like how a rhino looks like a dinosaur. But they don't seem very pleasant. I'd give them a 0 for personality, 5 for style. Accessories, a 4. That horn is cool.
Dan: so you'd say overall a 3?
Emily: Overall, 2. 2.5. 3.
Here's a terrible song about rhinos.
Dan: Okay, I'll go. But you all have to rate a rhino first.
Seth. 3 and a half.
Jackie: They stamp out fires!
Seth: They're only poached by humans, they don't give a shit about anything, and they'll fuck you up if you try!
Jackie: They will run you up trees though.
Dan: what rating?
Jackie: 4
Emily: what did you rate it?
Dan: I mean, I'd give it better than a horse, like 3.5
Emily: horse is good for everything. Rhino's good for almost nothing.


Dan: What's the best animal?
Emily: In the world? I don't know. I would say a horse is a pretty good animal. You can use it for farm, you can use it to ride on, you can make glue out of it, it likes people, you can pat it,
Sandy: Transportation...
Emily: and it likes people! And it comes in different types. Like spotted or plain.
Dan: so like five stars, for a horse?
Emily: Yeah, five.
Seth: Five stars for a horse.
Jackie: Five.
Dan: You know, I'm just going to give a horse two stars.
Emily: Why?
Dan: Kind of to be contrarian.
Seth: Say something bad about a horse.
Dan: Uh, it's too big.
Emily: What animal's bigger than a horse?
Dan: And it's not cute.
Emily: Frogs aren't cute.
Dan: argh, there are too many videos of horses on Youtube. What should I post?
Seth: There is no way he doesn't have the lyrics in front of him right now.
Dan: no no, not at all. Sandy, you didn't rate it. Five also?
Sandy: Yep!
Dan: dammit.
Emily: It's also one of the hardest animals to draw.


They are good at rolling their Rs. It is not a bunch of individual sounds, it is one big sound. RRrrrRRRrrr. On the other hand, they are sometimes poisonous. But you can tell which ones are the poisonous ones, and you can just look at them instead of licking them.
Dan: Frogs, what do you think?
Sandy: Frogs? I love frogs. You got me there.
Emily: I would give frogs 4 stars. Why not? They're cool, they jump, they make beautiful summer music. You can look for them in a little pond. That is something fun to do.
Sandy: We're talking about frogs here. What's the rating?
Seth (talks about something else)
Sandy: Seth. Frogs?
Seth (keeps talking about something else)
Jackie: actually, toads, 4. There's a video about a frog sitting like a human.
Dan: what about frogs, though?
Jackie: frogs? 3. 2.
Seth: there are all kinds of frogs! Colorful ones, psychedelic ones even...
Emily: I want to rate frogs... what did I rate it before? 4? Nah, 3.5.
Dan: if we brought toads to this party, would you go?
Emily: Sure.
Jackie: Toadally.
Emily: That's what I should have said.
Dan: Seth, you've still got to put in a rating.
Seth: I like frogs. I'd say a 4. They're adaptable, they can jump high, they're beautiful, you can get high off them, you can kill people with them, they're pretty! They're cool!
Emily: They're really a cool animal. And you can eat them. 


Dan: sometimes they faint. Also they taste good. But they're not the most exciting. 3 stars.
Jackie: oh, did you see that one with the spitting goat?
Dan: (looks it up) meh. What do you think about goats?
Jackie: I like goats. They're real stubborn. Their eyes are the craziest.
Sandy: Well, I gave a sloth a 3.
Dan: So you want to rate goats higher?
Sandy: Yeah. I'd give them a 3.5. How are you rating a goat?
Jackie: Goats from 1-5. Is that the scale?
Dan: Yeah.
Jackie. But they smell bad. I'd give them... a 3.


Emily: Cute sloth videos are a thing.
Dan: What?
Jackie: Why are sloths the new obsession?
Emily: Yeah, they totally are! There's new sloth videos like every week. A little overrated. So I'll drop the rating down.
Dan: Have you met a sloth? They'd be so cool to hang out with.
Emily: I don't know. They don't seem useful. You can't eat it.
Dan: "You can't eat it."
Emily: I'm sure you could eat it. It'd probably be tender because it goes so slow.
Sandy: I'm kind of neutral. I mean, I don't know. There doesn't seem much about them. They're cool. They won't bother you.
Dan: How many stars would you say?
Emily: Sloth? 2.
Sandy: 3?
(break to sing about a vase we have here.)
Jackie: I don't know, I don't think baby sloths are that cute.
Dan: Yeah, but look at that guy! He's so cute! Seth: how many stars?
Seth: I'm giving sloths two stars.
Jackie: Overall? There have to be two categories. Baby and adult.
Seth: No, babies are always cuter. All the time.
Dan: (they're all talking about Blue Valentine now, but I have to throw in my vote. Four and a half stars.)


A controversial one!
Emily: There's a zero star animal. Anything with 8 or more legs is not getting a good review.
Seth: Five stars! The octopus is the spider of the sea. To get to where an octopus has gotten is impressive.
Emily: It's scary.
Seth: It's scary because it's so good at what it does.
Emily: Not good to eat.
Dan: Whatever! It's great. And they're smart. I'll give it three stars. Sandy, what do you think?
Sandy: Ah, about 4.
Dan: any last thoughts? I mean, this is a pretty highly rated animal. You're the hold out here.
Emily: the worst part is the small spaces it can fit through. Still zero stars.


Apparently they can play saxophone. It's better than you might expect.
The best part is probably the guy behind him.

Dan says four stars. Seth says 2.5. Sandy says 2.5. Emily: 2 stars.
Emily: Animals that are so sluggish out of water shouldn't get rated so high.
Seth: They're not sluggish! They are fast and can kill you. What do they even eat?
Emily: Kelps and stuff?
Seth: Nah, clams and crustaceans! And nobody hunts a walrus. Maybe like a killer whale.
Emily: They're ugly.
Seth: But they don't care about that. A tiger: now that's a five star animal.